Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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