We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
