im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
