Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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