i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
