Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
