ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize