Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
