So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
