JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
