No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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