okay pat passed out under dana's car
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
