hotel room ftw
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
