i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Edward fifth and chaser hands
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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