Can i not drive my cunt home
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
