You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
