I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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