Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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