I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
