Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
