My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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