Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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