Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
