I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
