I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
