STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
