dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
