that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i think my mom watched the whole time
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
