Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
