apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
