just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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