Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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