this beer tastes like vomit already
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
