Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
