she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
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What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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