We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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