just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
