Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
