if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he thought i was a dude.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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