I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Man, jail baloney is awful.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
