i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
