You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
