Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
