I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
