This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
