Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
