Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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