She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
