so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
