I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
