Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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