I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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