He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
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I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
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I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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