We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
