i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
