well I can't set my house on fire every night
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
