i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
