he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
